Navigating Solo this Christmas
In my closest circle are many people who will find themselves alone this Christmas. One is in a hospice and knows it will be her last Christmas; one just lost her beloved to suicide; one has dementia and won’t be aware that it’s Christmas; one single parent’s children live overseas; I know divorced parents who have to pack their kids off to their other home, and for me, it’s the in-laws’ turn to host my son and daughter-in-law. I have other friends who have lots of people they could spend Christmas with but one has decided to ‘go bush’ and spend Christmas with Nature; another simply prefers her own company and avoids the ‘hullabaloo’ as she calls it.
Many are choosing the solo option this Christmas to avoid the pressure of having to finish work deadlines before the break; eliminating the stress of searching for those ‘perfect’ presents that could end up at a charity shop; the time-consuming coordination and cost of travel with ridiculous turn-arounds, and having to pretend to enjoy gatherings with people they simply aren’t interested in. While others find themselves wanting to avoid the season altogether because it painfully reminds them of what and who they don’t have. (if this is you, you might want to check out our Dealing with Grief at Christmas article as well).
These people spend their time avoiding the ‘do-gooders’ who pressure them into the role of ‘Christmas orphan’, trying to blend them in with their own families and traditions, which can feel even more isolating.
No matter what life experience brings you to this place of navigating solo this Christmas, here are some activities that may help to ease the pain or reduce the pressure.
Firstly, society needs to embrace the fact that alone doesn’t mean lonely. Some people find the greatest comfort in being alone and don’t need to be with others to enjoy their Christmas, so don’t try to force connection onto people who don’t want or need it.
Take time to work out what you truly need this Christmas: what will fill your cup?
Tips for the ‘Connectors’:
If connection in ways that are safe and meaningful will fill your cup, seek out community or neighbourhood lunches, carolling; walk in parks where others are gathering; pop in to your local church etc. You could attend or volunteer at a soup kitchen or animal shelter in your area; join an online community of like-minded people for a virtual lunch; visit a hospital, hospice or Aged Care Facility, or offer food or blankets to homeless people in your area. Don’t forget to telephone or text people you care for, especially if you haven’t connected for a while.
Tips for the Happy Soloists:
If feeling the freedom of being alone on Christmas Day fills your particular cup, manage expectations (and ‘Where are you?’ texts) by notifying people in advance that you have other plans. Find the courage to say no to events and people who drain your cup! You can organise video calls or visit them ahead of the day so they know you’re OK if you’re up for it.
If saying a flat out ‘no’ dumps a lot of obligational pressure on you, book yourself on a cruise, train, bus or car trip and deal with the emotional fallout later.
Once you have decided that it’s OK to stay home alone (whether it’s your choice or life has landed that way) here are a few things to do to make it enjoyable:
Before Christmas Day:
Don’t be a Grinch. Put up Christmas lights, decorate a tree and fill vases with flowers (don’t just ignore the season entirely; you’ll feel better if you find a way to be graceful with it).
Send printed or virtual cards to people who have been kind to you throughout the year.
Buy yourself some special gifts and wrap them up nicely to open on Christmas morning.
Make a playlist of your favourite songs and/or Christmas carols.
On Christmas day:
Put on a special outfit that makes you feel good.
Pop on that favourite music to sing and dance to all day (you could put on a Country Christmas playlist and have a good laugh or a good cry).
Cook yourself your favourite meal and have lots of treats that you don’t eat on other days.
Go through photographs to relive memories - even if you can’t be with the people you want to be with, you can honour them by keeping their memory alive.
Lose yourself in arts and crafts, jigsaws or mind puzzles.
Start a new book you’ve been wanting to read.
Watch your favourite Christmas movies (for me it’s Love, Actually and Last Christmas)
Go for a long walk around your neighbourhood (especially in the evening when the lights and decorations shine).
Write in a journal about all the things you are grateful for or reflect on the year and write down the five biggest events that made you happy, sad, troubled and inspired.
Connect with Nature and notice that it’s just another joyous day without a time stamp.
Spend quality time with your pet or offer to take a neighbour’s pet for a walk.
Light a candle and have a bubble bath.
Be radical and clean out that cupboard, garage or the car while listening to that Country Playlist!
Yes, navigating solo this Christmas could be challenging for some, but it can also be an opportunity for you to create new traditions that are meaningful to you at this point in your life. And remember to be compassionate - focus on self-care and doing things that make you feel nurtured; talk to yourself in a kind way and create rituals that bring you joy.
And if you find yourself alone on New Year’s Eve: rinse and repeat!
And finally….
It’s important for your own wellbeing to acknowledge all of the emotions that arise, including sadness, a sense of loss or loneliness or joy at the liberation of doing what you truly want to. And it’s OK to dive into sad movies and sad songs and have a good cry if you need to, but if the grief gets too much and there’s no one to talk to, there are support hotlines to help you through the worst patch.