Honouring grief on Mother’s Day

A friend’s text conversation with her adult son this week has prompted me to write this article discussing honouring grief on Mother’s Day.

As a daughter who has lost a mother and also a mother who has lost a child, I am patently aware that Mother’s Day isn’t only for mothers whose loving children will remember and honour them on this day.

Mother's Day can trigger deep grief for those who have lost a mother, a child, have had a miscarriage; who are dealing with the pain of not being able to conceive; those who don’t have the luxury of knowing who their mother is, or those who have estranged relationships where both mother and child grieve the love they feel is lost to them.  

I’m not the expert on grief, although I’ve certainly had my fair share of it, but there are some wonderful people around the world who can offer sound advice and solid support at this potentially painful time of year, so I’m going to defer to them.

At Life Tip – tools to help us get it together, Rachel Triesman gives us some strategies that might help us ease the pain on Mother’s Day.

The weeks leading up to Mother's Day can be especially fraught with reminders urging people to shop and celebrate. News website NPR talks of how a growing number of companies are offering subscribers the chance to opt out of marketing emails leading up to the event.

Jamie Cannon writes for Psychology Today about how your mother’s death will change you, and Sue Ryder, who believes no one should face death alone, has written a poignant article in her ‘Helping You Cope with Grief Series’ on coping with grief on Mother’s Day.

Motherless Daughters

If you are a woman whose mother has passed away, you might find joining Motherless Daughters Australia - a community organisation that provides access to support, resources and a network of like-minded women with shared experiences of grief on Mother’s Day. They also host Motherless Daughters Week from 3-10 May each year to provide support to women during this difficult time.

Sarah Rasheed writes a beautiful article that provides tips on Being a motherless mother on Mother’s Day.

Motherless Sons

There is no organisation dedicated to men who have lost their mothers, but men can find support at the Good Men Project.com; by phoning MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78 for professional telephone and online support, information and referral service.

Mothers grieving the loss of their child

Mother’s Day can trigger long-standing grief for mothers who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or death in infancy. These hotlines may provide some comfort at this time of year:

• Red Nose 1300 308 307 is a 24-hour parents’ helpline providing support for grieving parents and families who have experienced the death of a baby during pregnancy, birth, infancy or childhood, regardless of cause. Red Nose also has professional counselling, support groups and resources available via Red Nose Grief and Loss.

• The Pink Elephants Support Network also provides information and support for women through miscarriage, pregnancy loss and beyond. The group supports women through their grief, nurtures them as they heal and empowers them as they move into the future.  There are a number of resources available including useful information about miscarriage stages and support services.

• Compassionate Friends Victoria supports parents, siblings and grandparents after a child dies, while the Compassionate Friends US website offers support for parents who tragically lose a child to suicide.

Interesting research at Frontiers takes a scientific look at why mothers never stop grieving for their deceased children.  

Involuntary childlessness

The pain and disappointment of not being able to become a mother can be triggered at this time and this grief is shared by their partners. 

COPE the Australian Centre of Perinatal Excellence provides mental health support for families going through the grief of involuntary childlessness.

Forgotten mothers

And let’s remember those mothers who, for whatever reason, wait for the call that never comes on Mother’s Day. In her insightful article on five ways to avoid Mother’s Day disappointment Monica Swanson says, ‘Every May, I brace myself for the inevitable feeling of my psychological progress being thwarted by the way society has chosen to [honour] stereotypical representations of mother-daughter relationships’.

“My own relationship with my mother never matched up to the shiny ones on the cards. Now Mother's Day has the double whammy of reminding me of the difficulties of having her as a mother but also wishing she was still around.” Anon.

Estranged mothers and children

Christine Wyman says “Mother-child relationships are far more diverse and complicated than the one-dimensional imagery we're bombarded with in the mainstream’ in her article for Marie Claire. “The constant reminders of these picture-perfect maternal bonds can be brutal for those of us who haven’t had that experience”.

Mothers with dementia or other conditions

And lastly, for the people who are grieving for parents still alive, but seemingly lost to dementia, Anthony Arrigo offers a beautiful story on the Dementia Australia website.

Honouring grief on Mother’s Day can take many forms

I’ve probably missed many reasons why people will grieve rather than rejoice this Sunday, and my apologies if I haven’t included your particular loss. The complexities of life ensure there is no ‘one size fits all’, especially for public days such as these, so it’s important to be particularly mindful that our friends, family, workmates -even strangers we pass on the street or who serve us in cafes - may not be joyful this Sunday, and that we need to be kind and caring to them, especially if we are blessed with the opportunity to celebrate with our own lovely mums.